Segundo Expedition

Segundo Expedition

1.

Sopita had to go along with every dish, the plants were watered daily, Vicks was kept next to expired cough syrup, and tortillas are forks. My grandmother would have the best-selling book on how to stay alive in Segundo. The only thing she did not know how to survive was from a broken heart. My grandmother raised me to the point that grandpa passed, in 2006 it was during the time El Paso was drowning. It took us time to bury him because he would have floated upstream. To this day, I will always wonder if it was the rain or my grandpa crying up in heaven along with my grandmother. She didn’t eat, sleep, drink however Mexican women surprise you, one day they are glued on the couch watching endless Novelas to the next the house reeks of fabuloso and onions.

It’s been a decade since the storm for only a new one to come in. My grandmother's mind is spiraling as if it is a tornado. She can tell me crazy stories that happened eleven years ago one moment. Then it hits us all where she stares at me and thinks I am her husband. They were brief moments at first, now they froze over us, and it is the longest winter of our lives. Lately, she has been getting out of her own house to travel far from Segundo. The thing is, younger Maria Jesus would be able to make it Segundo and back still ready to cook. This Maria Jesus is going on an expedition that she may not be able to come back.

My grandma had five children, my mom being the youngest stuck with taking care of her. Though it was probably going to be me at this point, I will be spending the senior year at Bowie by taking care of a lady who keeps confusing me as her dead husband. According to my mom, it will be just on the weekends for now, or until we find a way to pay for a nurse or have her go into a retirement home. Mom is a teacher over at Jefferson, and my dad is a construction worker. We make our way, but we are just middle class not like Tio Gabriel and Enrique. After graduation, I am going to do what they did, get the fuck out of here, perfect role models.

“Alejandro, I understand that this is your Senior year, but you need to put your weight in.” She doesn’t look up at me as she drinks her coffee and grades her students’ papers; she assumes I am spoiled since I am the only child. My father criticizes my hands, telling me that I have desk hands. I don’t see how we have to carry the responsibility of being her keeper. Mom has three brothers and two sisters; however, they are scattered as far as California. They don’t call, but they do Facebook each other that is as close as they get to communicate. I am also almost sure my mother does not put upon her timeline how her mother is walking late at night to Segundo.

“Why don’t we have Josie help? Or Veronica?” After all, Veronica is a stay at home mom who literally homeschools her kids and Josie show houses all day. My mom stops grading paper. She takes off her reading glasses to rub her eyes. My mom is the perfect teacher that believes in ‘No such thing as a dumb question’ unless it is coming from me because then it is dumb as shit.

“Alejandro Jimenez! I told you, you are going to take care of my mom, you know when your father and I were working hard when I was getting an education making shitty tacos for shitty people. Your father breaking his bones, my mom took care of you. Aye Dios Mio! I have an ungrateful child!” she looks up to her father and pray to give her the strength. Friday night, instead of being with my friends I am here with my grandmother. Today is a good day.

She greeted me as Alejandro and not Carlos. I told her that if she needs anything to make herself at home. I start to play video games in my room. I go online and see that my friends are on there too. I guess, saying in on a Friday is the new going out. I decided to put my headset on, an hour into the game the house becomes cool. Even with my headset on I can hear my grandma’s music playing in the background, but I don’t listen to her singing. I don’t also take off my headset and peak out the sunset is coming through our open door. Fuck.

I run outside, yelling for my grandma. I lost my grandmother, and I will lose my life over this. I had one fucking job, take care of my grandma and its only been the first weekend. I knew where she was going to go. It is Segundo. I ran around yelling for her. Hoping my neighbors won’t tell my mom, hoping that she doesn’t get run over, hoping someone doesn’t take her. This lady would do this to me the first time I watch her. I need to start putting a bell on her. I take a shop turn from running down-hill that I can feel my feet almost up in the air that is when I see this lady chilling at the bus stop. My chest is burning, and I am shaking with adrenaline, this old lady doesn’t even know what kind of shit would happen to me.

“Grandma what are you doing here!” She looks up to me to adjust her eyes to the brain to register who I am. She looks away, “Alejandro, I…. what are you doing here.” I lifted her off the bench and told her to let's go home. When we take our first steps she limps, I ask her to lift her pants to see blood and her ankle swell. “Grandma what happens” all she can say I don’t know and where is a mom. If her ankle is broken that will have me a broken face, Alejandro.

Making our way back home, I washed the blood off her ankle just scraped herself. I immediately put an ice pack on her ankle for her the swelling to go down. I have her do the exercises my coach Mr. Quezada has us. Hopefully, my mother will think she tripped here. It’s not liked my grandma is going to remember what happened. I begin to wonder why it is my grandma can’t remember how she fell, but she can remember how to get to Segundo. What was the significance of the place? The only thing I know of Segundo are the stories she would tell me as a kid, also that my mother says never go at night. Still, my grandma with her mind deteriorating in front of us can recall Bowie Bakers pan dulce and the next bus ride to Armijo park.

“Alejandro do you want some sopa, before I leave.” She looks at me with so much cheer in her eyes, and I don’t think she knows she is leaving here. My dad enters the house fuck, I threw the ice pack in the freezer so fast I drop all the ice cream. My dad sees’ me in the kitchen squirming at the fridge. “everything ok?” He stares right through me. “yeah! Just getting some ice cream for grandma and me.” probably the quickest save I did, and I was all in the clear even when my mom got home.

-2

Whenever I go to any other high school party, the moment I mention I am from Bowie everyone has to assume I am either a Juareno or a cholo. Mr. Quezada, my basketball coach, needed to speak to me about my practicing issues. My mom thinks basketball could get me a scholarship but then my grandma comes first. My parents tell me to work hard but yet if grandma so much sneezes my life has to go on pause. The locker room looks the way it did in 99’ I keep looking over at the clock knowing I have to be home no later than 5:30.

“Alex.” He’s the only that calls me the name I perfer.

“Look I told you that I have to take care of my grandma. She keeps getting out, and it's driving me crazy. It is MY senior year.” He adjusts himself and puts one of his legs up as if he is Captain Morgan.

“Maybe you should let her out, not literally but follow her. You can find out a lot about your grandma.” As I walk home, Mr. Quezada is trying to treat me like I am the damn karate kid. As if there is a reason for her going to Segundo. I live right smack in the middle from Bowie and Jeff. I turn my key inside the door to realize it’s already unlocked. I intrude into my house and see my grandma is gone again. I stay calm. My mom does not get back home from a conference till 6 and my dad is on the west side. I get my bike, to rush down Segundo. My grandma isn’t going to Segundo for a more significant reason, her brain is deteriorating in her skull, and it is making her restless. I see Bowie baker to the only peak by the window she isn’t there. I keep pedaling and see here there pass El Segundo Market. She is wearing her high waisted khakis, a pinstripe top, with white tennis. She has an upbeat dance walk as if she just came back from fucking aerobics.

My thighs are burning from the pedaling, Mr. Quezada I swear I am not just a bum at home, I am getting the worst work out of my life. I go to my grandma. “Grandma!” She stops and turns around to me. “Carlos! What are you doing on that bike?” Today is that day. Alzheimer’s can suck my left one honestly. One moment you’re in the present and the next you’re deep in your past reliving it all over again. I wonder if she is living in her past right now the way she wanted to or was her life that perfect she instead goes back then having this.

“No, it is me Alejandro, your grandson.” She looks at me with anger in her eyes. It’s as if I woke her up from a dream. A great idea where no one dies, and the world is not covered in plastic. I reach my hand out to her, and she slaps me away. My grandma had never hit me before not even when I was a little travieso.

“Grandma we have to go…”

“NO, I DON’T KNOW YOU!” She swings her purse at me and starts to run away yelling for help in both her languages. A man stops her, “wait that’s my grandma, mi Abuela.” The man doesn’t take my word since my grandma is just yelling at him saying that she doesn’t know who I am. “You need to stay right where you are young man.” The man is built, his shirt is dirty with grease with his jeans. “Did he try to hurt you?” He goes eye to eye with my grandma not touching her or anything. “Necesitabas que te llevaran a casa?” The man points over at his truck. “No there is no need to she is my grandma.” As I started to walk towards my grandma and the man, she starts yelling at me, and he punches me right in the face. I went straight to the ground, and all I can hear is my grandma continuously yelling and the man telling her to come down and that she is safe.

Luckily everyone in Segundo are pepos; we were able to get my grandma to calm down the moment they stopped the questioning my grandma readjusted her brain and said, “Mio what happen to your face!” The man was looking at my grandma and me with guilt and pity. “I’m so sorry.” Mr. Quezada was the only one that I was able to reach. He went into the Market so he can place the meat on my face. “It’s ok.” It fucking wasn’t. I felt my left face, but my right eye was shut. I wanted to throw up this whole day down the toilet.

3-

I didn’t go to school today; my face is purple. I have a concussion, yet here I am taking care of grandma. The doorbell rings in my ear, grandma opens it and tells me how I have a visitor. It was actually for her, and it was tia Veronica. “Mom it’s me! Veronica.” Veronica is the second oldest according to her coming over her is too much of a drive because she lives on the west side. Fucking typical ass west fucking siders. Veronica did not look a day over 40 which fits because she has celebrated that year four times. She is divorced twice, has no kids and has her home relator gig. She also rubs it in my mother’s face about it.

“What are you doing here?” I can barely keep my eye open, and when it does its red from the vessel, I popped.

“Ew, what’s the matter with you? He messed you up good! You know, I told your mom to force you into the army after school she didn’t listen.”

“Veronica, I am still in high school.”

“Oh…” She puckered a lip thinking back at who she probably told that too, “well I am here to have my mom blessed to see her favorite daughter. Mom do you want to get a pan dulce.” She is yelling at her mom, and I wanted to tell her she’s losing her fucking mind not her hearing your stupid bitch. I don’t see how I am related to any of them, not even my mom. My grandma looks at me like a puppy. Great I am the owner dropping her off at the pound for her to get euthanized. “Grandma that’s Vero, tu hija.” She squints her eyes and holds up her glasses. “Let’s go clean you up.” I had my grandma change to fresh clothes, and I wait outside the room. I laid out for her black pants and a floral button up top. She came out wearing the same thing from yesterday saying “it’s not dirty; it’s still good.” When we reached the kitchen, my grandma’s face lit up “Veronica! Mija Como esta!” My aunt nearly dropped her blackberry in disbelief that her mom’s memory was intact for that moment.

All of my mothers’ siblings are the ungrateful ones. I started today looking through this box of photos with my grandma’s belongings. My grandma has not called me Carlos. I don’t even look like Alejandro right now. I see photos of my grandma in Segundo, walking around in beautiful dresses the pictures smell of ink. When my grand-children see photos of me, they probably will find my old Instagram username. Granted the photos are better, but that’s because of the filters. There is a photo of my grandma with my aunts and uncles, and they are at the Armijo park. My grandma is holding my mom she’s a baby. My grandpa is holding both of them with the kids huddled around them. Time is a bitch. Now I can see why my grandma keeps wondering around she liked the past. Her kids wanted to be with her.

After being at the bakery, my aunt brought me a concha she could have at least made sure it was fresh. I guess it’s the thought that counts. She handed off my grandma like if I was some Nanny. I took a dose of Ibuprofen and laid in my room. My grandma was watching her shows in the living room. I started to fill my body drift when I hear the tv turn off. I look at the time it's five. I peak out of my room. I see my grandma puts on her sweater and her purse. “Alright, you little old lady I am going to see what the hype is with Segundo.”

I kept the right amount of distance from my grandma, enough to not lose her and so she doesn’t think I am being followed. I this time brought a photo of us that I had, just in case she doesn’t know who I am, and I get decked in the face for it. We pass by the Father Yermo Early Learning Center. She continues to roam that is when we stop by this beautiful house. She opens the gate and starts to try to enter it.

“Grandma!” Holy shit she’s trespassing! I rush to her, and the fence nearly clips my arm. Which now I am bleeding, screw making it to my senior year I am trying to make it out alive this year. “Grandma what are you doing.” She looks at me with her finger, to her lips, she tells me shhh…

I stay quiet, with my working eyebrow raised and my face pulsing. “Respect this house, and it will respect. Mijo what are you doing here.” I am not so sure if she knows and what she is talking about. We walk back home where my grandma tells me nonsense and keeps asking where my mom is. I see my mom parking at our driveway, I lied saying we just walked around the block for her to get exercise. My grandma, with her haunted house stories and her quest to Segundo I am starting to think that there is nothing significant about anything.

-4

My tio Gabriel is here for the weekend, it been a month since the last incident and tia Vero visiting. My grandma is getting better finally and adjusting. I never knew that Segundo had so many colors. My grandma told me if your house is full of color all the negative spirits will not go to it. Our home is beige. Gabriel lives in California; he is some Engineer him and my dad do not see eye to eye anymore. My dad calls him a California sell out, forgetting where he came from and blending in with the fertile valley gueras. Gabriel offered to pick me up at school since we won’t be alone to see my grandma. He sees her once every other year, and according to him, he writes to her. My grandma never talks about her children, so we don’t know who to believe. He picks a convenient time though of course, she won’t remember.

His rental car was better than our actual vehicle. It smelled like pine. He locked the car twice as we drove off. He tells me about how California is so expensive that a concha with a small coffee would be eight dollars. I secretly would wish that I wanted to be just like him. Fuck that. He sounds so pretentious, but I still want to be like him which makes me hate myself. He wanted to show me where he went to school; we went to Aoy Elementary. I one time followed my grandma here, and she was crying amongst the children. When I touched her, she collapsed in my arms yelling Carlos, and I couldn’t understand what she was saying.

I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to add anything else. We drive back to my house, and my uncle locks the car twice. “Why do you keep doing that.” He stares at me, all he tells me is “when I was your age, you had to watch out around here, especially with men covered in tattoos.” Gang violence in Segundo is known but not El Paso is known as the safest city, I bit my tongue till it started to bleed. He doesn’t know anything. He hasn’t even been here, California has fires and higher gang violence. “A friend of mine got jumped with some vato with a prison tattoo then my other friend had no way outlet in life. I saw him at a friend’s funeral, and he had the ugliest spider tattoo on his forearm. He probably got Aids once that needle touched his skin.” That was back then. This is now. My grandma has wandered through the streets, and nothing has happened to her. I just rolled my eyes looking outside.

Once we reach home, my mom greets us at the door. Of course, my dad isn’t there he went out to probably play pool and drink. What can I say my dad hates his guts. We all sit together, and this is the first time I have ever seen my grandma not touching dinner. “Grandma is everything ok.” She looks over to me and looks over to Gabriel. “ You know I am not talking to him.” We all stopped eating, and Gabriel throws his napkin at his plate.

“Mom who is him?”

“it's getting late I have to get going.”

“Oh your just going to do that now are you. Yo voy la bano.” My grandma gets. My mom looks at Gabriel.

“You didn’t tell me how bad she is, and she doesn’t even know who I am.” Gabriel sits there with a silver watch, polished. With his blue cashmere sweater and his grey slacks. He even has long hair, tied up to a ponytail. He has my grandmas eyes but my grandpa’s male features. My grandma comes back out. She is ignoring my mom in the room and me.

“What Gabriel, what happens do you need money again!” She has such concern in her eye that we know she is going to cry.

“Mom what’s going on?!” My grandma looks at my mother covering her hands crying and walks away to the living room throwing herself to the couch.

“Gabriel what is she talking about!”

“Nothing Yolie, she probably doesn’t know it’s me.”

“She used your fucking name. Alejandro take your grandma out for a walk!”

We walk outside around the block, this time for real. I hold my grandma's hand the whole time. Ten minutes ago she was in tears, and now she is just looking around pointing at how pretty this house is and this one. Alzheimer's can’t be that bad. I would kill to forget something that upset me, and too always look at the world as if it was the first time I am here. My dad is there, and my uncle has left. Mom is outside smoking a cigarette, something she rarely does and doesn’t want to do near me. She doesn’t even put it out when she sees’ my grandma and me; instead, she has the most interminable drag. As if she is talking to god through the cigarette begging for her to get cancer and die right there.

Gabriel’s week visit was just that one day, my mom didn’t tell me jack shit. My dad did though. He had a drinking problem. My grandma had to bail him out of jail twice. He has two slashes on his license. He had so much fee’s from the court and the lawyer, he almost lost his house and my grandma saved him from it all. It’s been over three years, and he has not paid the money back to her. My mom has been trying to do the numbers of why my grandma’s check was low. My grandma’s bank account was flushed.

My mom called up Enrique the other brother to see if he knew. He lives in Odessa only to work in the oil fields. He makes a great living. The only thing he cannot come here down often; he only comes here once at most a month.

“What do you fucking mean you knew about this.” My mom is holding her cigarette inside, spreading it around as if it were sage. Again, she doesn’t do this at all. My dad is sitting at the couch with his beer in his hands. “Oh, you so you didn’t want to tell me but expected ME to take care of her. Enrique, I am your sister!” She begins to cry. She collapses by the fridge. My grandma is the only that goes up to her. “Mija por que llores.” Again, Alzheimers cannot be all that bad.

My mom comes into my room. “Hey.” She washed away her tears and smoke. “I am so sorry Alejandro, and I missed your games. I messed up your senior year. I have you watch my mom. You got punched in the face.” She cries outside my door. I get up to hug her. “It’s ok mom. Shit happens.” She hit my mouth, and we started to laugh. I let my mom lay down with me. We talked about everything that is going on. “Mom what about Josie.”

“She is the worst one.” My tia Josie and my mom fought over boys in high school. Josie went on a date with my dad. That’s disgusting, and I wonder what I would have looked like. The day he picked up Josie, he saw my mom outside. My dad said No fuck that, I want a piece of that. He never looked back. He told Josie on the first date; he loved someone else. Those words exactly. When you know you know. “Cal her mom. It’s her mom too.” I hold her hand, she kisses the back of mine, and we fall asleep.

The next morning all you hear is my mom running around in the kitchen with bacon and eggs. Josie was coming, and so was Enrique with Gabriel. Veronica said she might swing by. Its Saturday, nobody wants to shop for a house on a Saturday?

They all came over. My grandma was the star of the breakfast. What was pissing me off, was nobody mentioned to me. I get it. I am just a kid, but nobody said anything about me. My mom just mentioned how I AM the one that let her out. That was all, nothing about how I take care of her. Make sure she is fed, that she stays unharmed from the cracks of El Paso, the trenches of Segundo. Nobody gives me a fucking metal. However, everyone is celebrating about how my mom is the angel. I never felt underappreciated. Not even when I am the one that made the free throw line dunk, and everyone was celebrating about how it was the team, but no it was me. My mom cries on how her siblings were the worst; this is painting the kettle the night sky.

I am the one that wonders Segundo with my grandma. You know how many times, we see all the mesmerizing murals. I am the one that goes up Kansas, up all the avenues, picked fruit with her at Mata Fruit store. Which isn’t the freshest fruit you find from Sprouts, but shit is cheap. How she collapses in my arms at the Elementary school. Me. Not my mom.

-5

Basketball season is over, finally. Which means to my mother more time at home. The siblings were only close for a month. Grandma stopped going to Segundo, for only that short time. She would ask me where Josie was for a week. Till I told her that she’s never coming back. My grandma cried for ten minutes. I let her sit in that chair crying for ten minutes. I came back asking her what’s wrong; she stopped crying. She forgot why she was crying, and her pain was gone. Alzheimers rocks.

My grandma kept asking me how she can help around the house “y que te yudo” over and over again — a non-stop record player. You know how you can help yourself go with my mom; she takes care of you not me. I told her to go to every single one of her kids' homes. I even told her to go to her home. She looks up at me with her eyes deep saying “ you don’t want me here anymore.” I stared at her and said no. She cried. My dad came at that exact moment asking why my grandma was crying. It was the first time she rated me out. If my dad came three minutes later, she would not have been able to answer.

Mr. Quezada wanted to speak to me in the locker room at Bowie again, and I told him how I didn’t want to talk. He then said let's get Tacos Don Cuco. Free food, fuck it — Tripitas for me, descada for him.

“Mijo what's going on.” He eats so slow, it’s as if he wants the food to last, or he is trying to get every dime out of it. I was deep in two. He let me order two orders. I haven’t been eating.

“I don’t know what’s worse seeing you like this or looking like the elephant man.” I nearly choked on my taco. No shit that happened. I was starting to forget what’s been going on around me, can Alzheimer's be passed down through the air?

“My mom.”

“What about her.” I stop eating my tacos. I’m not hungry. I threw up all my sadness on the table to him. It turns out I was full all this time. Mr. Quezada saw me cry. I was crying and crying. I used my tortilla as a napkin basically as I was eating. It was disgusting.

“Alex. You need to talk about this with your mom.”

“What for?”

“Because one day, you will regret it when she can’t talk to you anymore.”

“like when she dies?”

“No. when she gets old and sick. You think it is easy, look at your grandma she doesn’t register the world and its happening in front of her. Your mom can’t ask her questions of what happened with her and Gabriel she can’t. Gabriel can’t fully say I am sorry to his mom because she won’t know what he is talking about. That’s a different kind of death. Your grandma is still here, but she is not.” I never thought it that way. Never. My mom can never talk to her mom again, even as she is eye to eye to her. My grandma won’t remember who I am as Alejandro or Carlos. Alzheimer’s fuck Alzheimer’s.

-6

I come home a little late, Mr. Quezada dropped me off, that is when I see my mom crying and dad on the phone telling someone on the other line, our address.

“ALEJANDRO JIMENEZ WHERE IS MY MOM!” The tacos went up to my stomach, and I can feel them coming right back up. I hold in

“WHAT! What’s going on mom, I thought you were going to take care of her!”

“I did, but I went to shower really quick, and she is gone. Where is she.”

I looked at my mom and Quezada, I went to grab my bike. My mom keeps yelling at me. I became mute. I am faster than a car. I rode off yelling wait for the cops, tell them to go to Segundo. I was flying through the air. I went down seeing St. Michael School, Alamo Elementary, the haunted house, the murals, the churches, pass by gang territory covered with spiders, when I see the Library. Right there in Armijo park. My grandma looked like a ghost walking around crying and screaming.

“Grandma!” I see her looking at me. Her eyes were glossy. Something wasn’t right, I ran to her. Catching her, she collapsed this time, and her body is stiff. I try to go down with her. Our bodies planted on the grass. The sunset is going down, just like us. “Carlos.” She caresses my cheek. Mr. Quezada words played in my ears like a music box. “Mi Vida.”

“Did you find them. I can’t find them.”

“Who?” Her breathing was faint, and she was gripping on my hands.

“Mis hijos.” Tears rolled down on my face going to hers — all this time. My grandma was not looking for anything but her family. I pulled out the picture from my wallet. She grabbed it. Staring at it. She looks at me. “Alejandro?” I puckered my lips, my tears over her face. “Grandma.” She smiles and closes her eyes as the sun went down.